Our Baby? The Eighth in a Series on Infertility, Miscarriages and Adoption
2006 proved to be a very challenging year for us, but I wouldn’t have changed a single thing that happened for out of the heartache, our family became complete.
I wouldn’t feel such fulfillment, however, for years to come.
After a successful IVF treatment, we miscarried soon after and our devastation of struggling to have a second child was intense. We felt lost, confused and angry. Why was it so hard for us to complete our family when people everywhere else seemed to be able to go back and forth to that “exotic island” over and over again?
As I recovered from the physical and emotional loss of the pregnancy, I continued to mother our daughter Grace with all the gratefulness and love I had. I recall one typical day at a “Mommy and Me” play class that ended up changing our lives forever.
Tina, a fellow expat American, was at the class with her son and we got to talking about adoption as she and her husband felt called to adopt their fourth child (the first three were biological). I found myself sharing a bit of our story about our struggles to have a second child but that we weren’t “there yet” with adoption and maybe one day, if we couldn’t conceive on our own, we would start to look into it.
She told me, with such an excitement I still feel to this day, that right after that class they were going home to meet the baby. The agent was bringing her to introduce her and they would start the procedures after that.
“Good luck!” I remember calling out to her as she hurried away with her son after class.
As fate would have it, her husband phoned her on her way home.
“We are moving back home,” he told her.
Of course, as Tina and I were “Mommy and Me” friends we hadn’t forged such a close relationship where she would have called me to tell me this news. I heard it from the adoption agent who called me herself to let me know that Tina, after meeting the baby, broke the news to her that they just found out they were moving and wouldn’t be able to adopt the baby after all. However, she explained, she had just spoke to a woman at her “Mommy and Me” class that might be interested.
ME?? She was talking about me? I thought I had clearly said were WEREN’T considering adoption at that point.
In another twist of fate, my mother, who had been in a very stressful job at the time, came to Singapore to visit me for 4 short days. If anyone knows how long the flight is from New York to Singapore, you can see the craziness in staying for just 4 days, but she did and it was a very spontaneous, last minute trip.
“I just feel like I want to come out to visit you,” My mom had explained.
It was walking with her on Orchard Road, the day she arrived, that I got the call from the adoption agent.
“I’m sorry, there must be a mistake. We aren’t actually looking to adopt right now,” I explained to the woman on the other end.
“Oh, I don’t think it was a mistake. I have your baby.”
So, long story short, we agreed to meet her but NOT the baby. We figured, we weren’t going to adopt now, but it was good to start doing some research for when the time IS right.
She came over that evening.
After meeting her, I remember shutting the door when she left and said, “Okay! So, now we have the information, it is good to know for down the road.”
Peter looked at my mother and me and said, “I think we should do it. I think we should adopt her.”
“Who?” I responded.
“The baby,” he flatly retorted.
“What baby?”
“Our baby.”
In an attempt to pluck Peter out from the cloud he was floating in, I reminded him that we had no more money. We had spent the last of our savings on that last round of IVF and even went into a bit of debt to fund it.
“We have no money. We can’t do it now,” I responsibly informed my ‘head in the clouds’ husband.
It was then that my mother jumped in. “I can’t believe this, but my mother’s best friend, who had no children but was adopted herself and always wanted to adopt, just passed away and left ME money. In fact, she left me the exact amount you need to adopt this baby.”
We were silent. We were in awe. We were freaked out.
We were adopting a baby.
I wouldn’t feel such fulfillment, however, for years to come.
After a successful IVF treatment, we miscarried soon after and our devastation of struggling to have a second child was intense. We felt lost, confused and angry. Why was it so hard for us to complete our family when people everywhere else seemed to be able to go back and forth to that “exotic island” over and over again?
As I recovered from the physical and emotional loss of the pregnancy, I continued to mother our daughter Grace with all the gratefulness and love I had. I recall one typical day at a “Mommy and Me” play class that ended up changing our lives forever.
Tina, a fellow expat American, was at the class with her son and we got to talking about adoption as she and her husband felt called to adopt their fourth child (the first three were biological). I found myself sharing a bit of our story about our struggles to have a second child but that we weren’t “there yet” with adoption and maybe one day, if we couldn’t conceive on our own, we would start to look into it.
She told me, with such an excitement I still feel to this day, that right after that class they were going home to meet the baby. The agent was bringing her to introduce her and they would start the procedures after that.
“Good luck!” I remember calling out to her as she hurried away with her son after class.
As fate would have it, her husband phoned her on her way home.
“We are moving back home,” he told her.
Of course, as Tina and I were “Mommy and Me” friends we hadn’t forged such a close relationship where she would have called me to tell me this news. I heard it from the adoption agent who called me herself to let me know that Tina, after meeting the baby, broke the news to her that they just found out they were moving and wouldn’t be able to adopt the baby after all. However, she explained, she had just spoke to a woman at her “Mommy and Me” class that might be interested.
ME?? She was talking about me? I thought I had clearly said were WEREN’T considering adoption at that point.
In another twist of fate, my mother, who had been in a very stressful job at the time, came to Singapore to visit me for 4 short days. If anyone knows how long the flight is from New York to Singapore, you can see the craziness in staying for just 4 days, but she did and it was a very spontaneous, last minute trip.
“I just feel like I want to come out to visit you,” My mom had explained.
It was walking with her on Orchard Road, the day she arrived, that I got the call from the adoption agent.
“I’m sorry, there must be a mistake. We aren’t actually looking to adopt right now,” I explained to the woman on the other end.
“Oh, I don’t think it was a mistake. I have your baby.”
So, long story short, we agreed to meet her but NOT the baby. We figured, we weren’t going to adopt now, but it was good to start doing some research for when the time IS right.
She came over that evening.
After meeting her, I remember shutting the door when she left and said, “Okay! So, now we have the information, it is good to know for down the road.”
Peter looked at my mother and me and said, “I think we should do it. I think we should adopt her.”
“Who?” I responded.
“The baby,” he flatly retorted.
“What baby?”
“Our baby.”
In an attempt to pluck Peter out from the cloud he was floating in, I reminded him that we had no more money. We had spent the last of our savings on that last round of IVF and even went into a bit of debt to fund it.
“We have no money. We can’t do it now,” I responsibly informed my ‘head in the clouds’ husband.
It was then that my mother jumped in. “I can’t believe this, but my mother’s best friend, who had no children but was adopted herself and always wanted to adopt, just passed away and left ME money. In fact, she left me the exact amount you need to adopt this baby.”
We were silent. We were in awe. We were freaked out.
We were adopting a baby.